


Only then I am human

by kozukenma



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, angsty at the beginning but i swear it's fluffy at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29130120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kozukenma/pseuds/kozukenma
Summary: In which Atsumu and Sakusa stop themselves from feeling.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 65





	Only then I am human

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in a day but i just wanted to get it out there so apologies if it's messy

If you asked Atsumu why he’s spending his Wednesday afternoon pinning his friend— well, with benefits —against a wall in an alleyway, totally not in a sexual way, he wouldn’t know how and what to answer you. All he knows is that they’re both in a heated argument; one he started.

“Will you cut your shit?” Atsumu asserts, “Just admit that you like me.”

If looks could kill, Atsumu would be 6 feet under the moment Sakusa Kiyoomi glared at him. “I don’t. Fuck off, Miya.” Sakusa spews.

Now, in other circumstances, Atsumu would choose to be an easy person to talk to and actually fuck off. But after a month of mixed signals, he thinks he would rather stay glued on the spot. No matter how close he knows Sakusa is to punching him, he wanted answers.

“Here we fucking go again!” Atsumu exclaims, letting go of Sakusa’s wrists to run his hands through his hair. “You tell me to fuck off now and then what? Flirt with me tonight? Or will this asshole version of you continue until you need me to get you off?”

“Say that louder will you?” Sakusa whisper-shouts, looking to their right (a wall and a full dumpster) and to their left (an empty street) “It’s not like we live in an extremely homophobic environment where we can get stoned to death if anyone gets even an idea of what we do,”

“Is that it?” Atsumu asks, mind connecting the dots, “Is that why you’ve been pushing and pulling with me?”

It quietened down between them. Atsumu takes his silence as a yes.

Taking a step forward, he holds Sakusa’s wrists again. “What do you actually want?” He whispers, voice smooth and comforting.

He watches as the other unclenches his fists, shoulders sagging as if he was tired from carrying an invisible weight. And for a moment, Atsumu thinks he made Sakusa finally crack. 

“For you to leave me alone,” Sakusa says while looking down, choosing to focus on the puddle a few steps away from them, “I don’t want you nor do I want anything to do with you.”

If it weren’t from the fatigue Atsumu was feeling, he would’ve noticed that the way Sakusa spoke sounded like Sakusa was convincing himself, not him.

Atsumu lifts Sakusa’s chin with his thumb and index finger and tries to make the other look him in the eye. The only audible noise being their heavy breaths as the air gets even more tense.

“I’ll leave you alone once you say you truly don’t want anything to do with me,” Atsumu says slowly. “You gotta look me in the eye too. I will get out of your way and you’ll never have to see me again.”

Sakusa hesitates for a long while, letting out an exasperated sigh escape his lips. When he meets Atsumu’s eyes, he feels himself get lightheaded.

“Say it, Sakusa,” The name sounding foreign as Atsumu demands him. “Say that you want nothing to do with me. Rip off the band-aid now.”

“I—” Sakusa attempts. All the confidence he had left in his body melted away long ago. What was left were feelings of hesitation, fear, and longing. 

Atsumu takes another step closer, close enough to make their noses brush together. “Say it.”

“I—” Sakusa attempts again. Atsumu sees the moment Sakusa’s walls completely shatter to the ground. “I want you,”

Silence surrounds them once again as they stare at each other, Sakusa’s confession lingering in the air. Atsumu does the only thing he’s been wanting to do since they began their arrangement. He kisses him.

He feels Sakusa grab a fist full of Atsumu’s jacket as if on instinct and pulls him closer. He kisses Sakusa’s lower lip, sucking it into his mouth to part them and slide his tongue into the recesses of the other man’s mouth. His tongue found Sakusa’s and intertwined with it, gliding together so intensely that it felt like they were lighting a fire inside, their tongues as the ignition. It sent a wave of desire through Atsumu’s entire body.

They both knew Sakusa was completely gone when he wrapped his arms around Atsumu’s neck and deepens the kiss. 

Atsumu is first to pull away. “I guess you do want something to do with me. Call me when you’re ready to make a decision. You know where I’ll be.” Atsumu says before he turns on his heels to leave the alleyway.

It has been two weeks since their argument-turned-into-a-make out session in the alleyway and Atsumu finds himself in an emotional turmoil. He made it seem like he was put together during the argument but in fact, he fell apart the moment Sakusa told him to fuck off. 

He felt incredibly stupid and selfish for ruining what they had. He really didn’t care if Sakusa was just his friends with benefits or he was a potential lover, what mattered to him was he still had him as a friend. And if a friend was the closest he could reach him, then so be it.

“Agghh!” Atsumu screams into the sofa cushions. Tears were starting to pool in his eyes and he was so damn tired.

He knew it. He won’t see him again. At least not for a while. He blames himself for being carried away, for being selfish, for acting on his feelings, for—

_Knock, knock, knock ___

__Pushing himself off the sofa, he puts his self-loathing on hold. He opens the front door after running a hand through his hair._ _

__“Miya,”_ _

__“Omi,” Atsumu whispers, his voice soft and small, his eyes, glassy and puffy red, staring deeply into Sakusa’s weary ones. He rubs a little too harshly at his eyes to somehow make them look like he hasn't been sleep deprived and crying on and off for two weeks straight._ _

__“Can I come in?” if Sakusa noticed how scattered he was, he didn’t mention it._ _

__He nods slowly and steps aside for Sakusa, promptly locking the door behind them, before padding barefoot into the kitchen. Sakusa doesn't spare two seconds before trailing behind him, standing what he hopes is a safe enough distance away, as Atsumu leans back against the kitchen sink._ _

__“How have you, uh, been?” Sakusa winces at his attempt of starting a conversation._ _

__Atsumu wraps his arms around his own torso, curling in on himself more and more, and looks up at Sakusa, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “Peachy,”_ _

__Silence surrounds them and, holy fuck Atsumu’s tired of silence. “Just say whatever you have to say,” He snaps._ _

__“It wasn’t supposed to happen,” Sakusa says, voice small and insecure. “Our arrangement. The kiss. It was a mistake.”_ _

__“I’m a mistake?” Atsumu repeated incredulously, brows raised and mouth still agape. “That’s what I am to you?” Sakusa avoided meeting his eyes, focused on the flickering kitchen light. “I’m not even a damn friend? Or a—” he gulped, not bothering to suppress the tears that spilled over any longer. “Just a ‘mistake’. That’s fine too, I guess. At least I know where I stand. I asked for it anyway.”_ _

__“Miya, I—”_ _

__“That’s all right?” Atsumu interjected, cutting him off before he’d got the chance to begin. “Maybe it’s time for you to go.”_ _

__“Wai—”_ _

__“What was the point in all of this, Sakusa? Was there something that you gained by making me… God, I don’t know, feel like I meant something to you? I’m not even saying you made me feel like you were in love, but I at least thought you considered me as more than a mistake.”_ _

__“You don’t understand, Atsumu!” Sakusa closed his eyes, his hands trembling as he ran them through his hair._ _

__"Don’t try and backtrack,” Atsumu scoffed. “You made it clear enough, I get it. I honestly don’t know what and why I expected anything at all. Well, go have fun getting a girlfriend, marrying, starting a family, and all that shit. Hope you find happiness in the current you’ve always been afraid of going against.“_ _

__“I’m in love with you!” Sakusa exploded, the wet trail down his cheek matching his own now. “I’ve been in love with you from the fucking get go!”_ _

__It was like time had fallen into stagnation, like the time had been frozen and nothing in the universe was moving aside from Atsumu’s pulse and Sakusa’s words that danced around the air between them, slamming into Atsumu repeatedly like a boulder deconstructing an old, worn down building. They were studying one another through the silence, both of them blinking back tears, anxious and unsure._ _

__“You—“ Atsumu’s chest convulsed, mind in complete disarray. “What?”_ _

__“I’m sorry,” Sakusa choked out, readying to leave the house, just not quick enough as Atsumu caught his wrist faster than he ran when he saw a ghost on TV. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”_ _

__“No, it’s just… I’m just— you’re in love… with me?” Atsumu ingeminated, his voice barely existent._ _

__Sakusa sighed, rubbing his hand over his face as he tried to gather his thoughts despite still trembling like a leaf._ _

__“I— fuck,” he shook his head, starting over. “I said I wouldn’t fall in love with you, I repeated it to myself like a mantra after we did it for the first time. I promised that, I wouldn’t,” Sakusa met Atsumu’s gaze with his own tear filled orbs, exhaling a heavy breath before continuing. “You didn’t make it an easy promise for me to keep. I think you’re the first person I’m willing to break every single fucking rule for. I was— am afraid. All my life, I’ve done nothing but follow what my parents wanted me to do, follow how the people around me lived, I just couldn’t—”_ _

__Sakusa sighed. “I’m not blaming you. I knew it was for the best in the long run because you deserve more than this, more than me. I don’t want to be the person that strips you away from a normal life. That’s what I told myself, and then I came to the conclusion that nothing more than that first night would happen anyway because I’m a guy, you’re a guy, one of us was bound to realize that we’re wrong and—”_ _

__“It doesn’t have to be like this,” Atsumu whispered, his voice soft. “It’s scary for you, I understand. I can tell you’re terrified, that you think this will end up a disaster and that you’re undeserving of love. I know that you think you’ll take a ‘normal life’ away from me but there wasn’t a normal one to begin with,”_ _

__Atsumu holds his hands again, squeezing lightly before continuing. “Our relationship, love, whatever the fuck this is, I chose this, I chose you.”_ _

__Sakusa shakes his head slowly. He's so disoriented and blissed out, because Atsumu’s fingers feel so, so nice. And it’s so difficult to even think properly, much less string together a coherent sentence, but Sakusa finally manages to mumble a meek, quiet, “You don't want that. You don’t want me. Really.”_ _

__“But I do,” he answers, his eyes big and pooling with sincerity. “God, Omi, if only you knew how much I want you— how much I want this,” he continues, motioning between them both with their intertwined hands. “And I know you do, too. We’re so good, Omi, we’re amazing together, we’re not wrong. Our love isn’t wrong.”_ _

__Sakusa didn't respond, his teeth pressing so hard on his lip Atsumu is sure it’ll burst if he doesn’t stop soon._ _

__“Talk to me, Omi,” Atsumu says softly._ _

__“I’m sorry,” Atsumu freezes as soon as the apology left Sakusa’s mouth. Not again, Atsumu wouldn't know what to do if he gets even more broken._ _

__“For hurting you, pushing you away,” With a deep breath, Sakusa presses his forehead against Atsumu’s. “It won’t be easy,”_ _

__“I know,”_ _

__“But I’ll try.” Sakusa says, feeling a huge weight lift off from his shoulders._ _

__There are no words exchanged between them as Atsumu loops his arms around Sakusa’s neck. He swoops in to gently nuzzle Sakusa’s nose with his own, letting his eyes flutter closed as he kisses his lips, and Sakusa is quick to cradle his face in his hands._ _

__Their lips danced together, and it felt so good. His lips were so soft and addicting and Atsumu can't stop biting and licking and kissing it again. Sakusa holds Atsumu like it would be the last time he would hold him. And Atsumu was never going anywhere and it felt right for once._ _

__For the first time, Atsumu and Sakusa allow themselves to love freely._ _


End file.
